I had a run-in with the fifteen year old this morning. She was angry because I only woke her up once (at six) and let her fall back asleep again (she is like a tiger in the morning), so she ended up being late for school. I tend to be timid, because I fear her wrath. That isn’t a good thing. I should have the guts to stand up for myself. Then I was petty and didn’t make her a lunch, because we were out of jelly (she hadn’t told me, but I could have made her a nutella sandwich). I was being small-minded and bitchy, because my feelings were hurt from her yelling at me. I have a problem of feeling attacked and wanting to lash out. This all stems from childhood issues of my own. The horrible thing is that this really only happens with my family. I have such a deep seated fear that they don’t really love me.
Even though I loved my parents, I lived in so much fear of them that I would never have acted the way my kids do at times. Nick tells me it is a combination of normal kid behavior and the fact that I permit it. He backs me up with them and he tries to help stiffen my resolve and give me better parenting strategies. I get really exhausted by this. Isabella knows all my buttons and called me out on being a bad mom this morning. I have not been this bad in a long time. I think a lot of stressors are accumulating right now with the move and starting therapy. I owe her an apology (and $4 lunch money) this afternoon.