Mascara streaked and tear stained, but wiser than I started my day. Is the unexamined life really not worth living? We do a lot of introspection around these parts, and it isn’t always easy. I was momentarily upset yesterday because I was inadvertently reminded of a time my father spanked me until he drew blood. He didn’t mean to, and he stopped when he realized what was happening, but the damage had already been done. That wasn’t as bad, though, as the psychological scars. Last Monday I realized-not for the first time-that the cult had brainwashed me (and most of the people I grew up with) into trying to meet impossible standards of holiness.  When this effort inevitably ended in failure, the fault was always my own, and I was reminded of my inherently evil nature.  Last week I finally realized that this pattern had led me to expect to fail every time I take on a new venture of any sort-big or small.  I have no faith in myself.  It was never instilled in me-and in fact was drummed out of me.  I am working on it, but I am going against the grain.   Today, Nick started talking about religion in the abstract for some reason, but it quickly turned personal for me and connected to these thoughts.  Nick was talking about belief in God and heaven and hell, and I could explain the theology of Christian salvation to him very lucidly, but I clearly didn’t believe any of it when it came to myself.  He said to me, “It all stops with judgement for you. You don’t believe in heaven, do you?  Every time I bring it up you dismiss me.  You think you’re destined to go to hell. You just told me that God’s grace is sufficient to cover people’s sins, but you don’t believe it applies to you.  How can you only believe in hell?”   We talked longer, and worked through more of my core issues with this, but he is absolutely right.  My upbringing was so wrapped up in fear and knowing I was wrong, that, even though I was taught about God’s love and rewards, I never actually considered them a possibility for myself.  And because I felt predestined for hell and failure, even though I kept trying and trying, that knowledge of certain failure had to be self-defeating. It’s a lot to take in.  I’m still processing it.  I missed you guys today.  But I worked on this.   Then etsy. Then ran kids hither and yon for hours on end. La La La La, life goes on.  

Mascara streaked and tear stained, but wiser than I started my day. Is the unexamined life really not worth living? We do a lot of introspection around these parts, and it isn’t always easy. I was momentarily upset yesterday because I was inadvertently reminded of a time my father spanked me until he drew blood. He didn’t mean to, and he stopped when he realized what was happening, but the damage had already been done.

That wasn’t as bad, though, as the psychological scars. Last Monday I realized-not for the first time-that the cult had brainwashed me (and most of the people I grew up with) into trying to meet impossible standards of holiness.  When this effort inevitably ended in failure, the fault was always my own, and I was reminded of my inherently evil nature.  Last week I finally realized that this pattern had led me to expect to fail every time I take on a new venture of any sort-big or small.  I have no faith in myself.  It was never instilled in me-and in fact was drummed out of me.  I am working on it, but I am going against the grain.  

Today, Nick started talking about religion in the abstract for some reason, but it quickly turned personal for me and connected to these thoughts.  Nick was talking about belief in God and heaven and hell, and I could explain the theology of Christian salvation to him very lucidly, but I clearly didn’t believe any of it when it came to myself.  He said to me, “It all stops with judgement for you. You don’t believe in heaven, do you?  Every time I bring it up you dismiss me.  You think you’re destined to go to hell. You just told me that God’s grace is sufficient to cover people’s sins, but you don’t believe it applies to you.  How can you only believe in hell?”  

We talked longer, and worked through more of my core issues with this, but he is absolutely right.  My upbringing was so wrapped up in fear and knowing I was wrong, that, even though I was taught about God’s love and rewards, I never actually considered them a possibility for myself.  And because I felt predestined for hell and failure, even though I kept trying and trying, that knowledge of certain failure had to be self-defeating.

It’s a lot to take in.  I’m still processing it.  I missed you guys today.  But I worked on this.  

Then etsy.

Then ran kids hither and yon for hours on end.

La La La La, life goes on.  

8 October 69
personaltherapycult

Notes

  1. pandemiclaughter said: Hugs!!!! Love you!!!!
  2. musingandmulling said: That’s a lot to sort through. Biggest ((hugs)), Beka. You’re amazing.
  3. bassmonstertiff said: we missed you too. but tumblr is always worth missing if it means you’re getting your life together.

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