and then I never seem to have the time or inclination to actually put them into words.
I have so much on my mind lately that I’m having a hard time being social. I am not dealing with my emotions particularly well right now and am eating way too many Cheetos and candy bars. Struggling to get into my jeans doesn’t make me any happier, though.
That last implies that I am unhappy, but I’m not actively so-just worrying at a few things that I can’t seem to drop, although it would be healthier for me.
I had one meeting with my therapist, which went all right. I knew she was probably going to retire in June, but figured I’d get in a few months of therapy in the meantime. After our session she made me an appointment in May, because she will be on vacation till then! I don’t know why she even took me on, except for a fascination with my family on her part.
Sunday was my mother’s birthday. When I called to sing her Happy Birthday with my kids, she was at my sister’s house. It was more a get-together revolving around my poor vegetative nephew, but my other sister Hannah brought a cake and made sure they sang to my mom. I feel petty about it, but there was a spark of resentment when I realized she was there (a few blocks from me). I didn’t expect to be invited, and I’m not sure I would have gone. It’s been 10 months since we’ve moved into this house and my mom hasn’t been here once, despite frequent invitations. I let her know I had gifts for her if she wanted to drop by, but I knew she wouldn’t.
Lately my dad is the one I can talk to. He came over for the second time this week, because I locked my keys on the car. Both times he came were because of emergencies, but still he’s there when I need him. And he calls to talk to me. There are some problematic things about that too, but I’ll save that for another post. My old neighbor said today that I’m going to have to learn to accept that my mom just doesn’t have more to give. I am old enough to have made peace with that by now, but I’m still struggling with it.